I read several pregnancy books when I was expecting my first baby. But for the first two years of my motherhood, I didn’t read any parenting books. I was too busy feeding my baby and myself, cleaning up her toys, clothes and our house, struggling with naps and night sleeps, meeting up with other parents and their babies, checking about all the baby/toddler play spaces and taking her to try all kinds of baby/toddler classes near me. Sure I was exhausted, but I thought that was also full-filling, the way a mother was supposed to be or feel. I spent all my days and nights with her and I believed that I knew her inside out. Until a couple of months ago when my baby turned two, I suddenly realized that I didn’t really know what was going on in her little head. I didn’t know why she would prefer staying at home the whole day playing with the toys that she had been playing all her little life, refusing to go out and playing with her friends at a playground on a beautiful sunny day. I didn’t know why she would want to read this “boring” book again and again while I’d borrowed dozens of books for her from the library. I didn’t know why she never liked any kind of baby classes even though I thought she as well as me found many of them very interesting.
At the first glance of the book "How Toddlers Thrive", I was almost put away by the very repetitive paragraphs and the very detailed parenting advice. I don’t like a parenting manual, because I believe every child is different. But at a closer look, that is what this book is all about: every child is different, and that’s why the parents should get in the child’s point of view and see the world from her eyes. The Chinese version of this book translated the title adequately to “Help Your Child Grow Up in the Way s/he Wants”. I finished reading the book within two weeks, with every minute I could find while me and my daughter were both suffering from a cold. With her hands-on experience in the toddlerdom for almost two decades, Dr. Klein provided lots of vivid examples along with practical guidelines for parents. I’m just picking out some points that strike me the most. It is definitely a book that deserves a spot on my shelf of books to keep. 1. See the world from your child’s eye. There’s no future, there’s only NOW and ME. No forced sharing. Validate her needs to hold to what she has now and let others wait until she is done. Nothing to worry about a “selfish” toddler. They cannot understand the principle and mechanism of altruism yet, which is the foundation of sharing. They need to feel security before they can share. Let them be selfish so they can become generous later. 2. We are not here to make our child happy. No one can make the children happy but themselves. Our responsibilities, quite the opposite, is to help them through the hard times. Yes, 2-5 year olds have lots of hard times, which they do not understand or express. Articulate the negative feelings for your child and be sympathetic. 3. Let them lean on you. As they grow more independent, they are also getting more reliant on you. Be there for them when they need a hug, a cuddle, a kiss, even you think it’s inappropriate for her age. 4. Hands-off, not hands-on parenting. Set up the environment, and let them explore by making mistakes, trying again and again, without overcorrection or shaming or even praise. That’s the only way to learn, through trial and error, for inner satisfaction and curiosity, not for how you think or feel. 5. Let the children play. Let them play on their own terms and make decisions about what and how they want to play. There is no such thing as “just playing” for a toddler. So much involved: how the world works, how to make decisions and figure things out, how to handle emotions and get along with others, who to think and problem-solve, etc. It works much better for them than asking them to follow the rules of a teacher or instructor in a toddler piano class. 6. Let the children be bored. The old fashioned concept “boredom” can be good for children. Give them lots of unstructured time, instead of hurrying them between different toddler classes. Sitting and staring into space? We once called that daydreaming, and out of daydreaming come ideas and vision, dreams and imagination, and maybe even relaxation. “Doing nothing” is not “nothing”. It can be a pause, a time to sit back, to regroup, to collect one’s thoughts, to reflect, to look around and observe, or simply to rest and clear the mind. We all need that. I have a lot to reflect upon this. I have recently signed her up for toddler soccer classes and was actually thinking about adding Spanish classes and dancing classes, so that I am not bored at home, while she is happy playing her duplos, legos, puzzles and animal figurines and reading books. Now I will give a second thought about all those toddler classes, most of which only last for a specific time like a couple of weeks or months. During this time, she needs to get out of her comfort zone, overcome her timidity, work her way to make new friends and learn new rules, and just before she gets used to everything, it is finished. Unless you register for another session, which might or might not be with the same teacher or children. It is great change and transition for a small kid of two years old. 7. Accept your children for who they are. Shake off your expectations or burdens from your own childhood. Everybody’s good. Everybody’s bad. That’s part of being a kid (and adult). Your child is learning about themselves, through making mistakes and not always doing what the adults expect of them. They need to accept that sometimes I am good and sometimes I am bad. And whatever I am, mom and dad still love me. It is true that it can be intimidating and overwhelming with all those parenting books and advice from “children professionals”. As a first-time mom, I am wondering whether I am doing it right, and giving her everything she needs. But there’s not such a thing as “doing it right or wrong” and “giving everything a kid needs” is not the way to help them grow and learn. Parenting is not a competition against other parents, but a lifelong learning process. I think that the qualities needed to be positive parents are universal and can be applied to any profession.
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