Hello! I am back, after almost two years! Lots of things happened, as in everyone else's life: a new baby, a new house, and then Covid. I have been writing in Chinese in my Chinese blog, but now I have decided to move my writing to the English platform. I have recently started a diary for my daughter who is 4.5 years old now, handwritten in a notebook. I will share some of it on my blog here. You are welcome to tell me your thoughts if it rings anything in you.
Yesterday I started to read "From the Soil" by the distinguished Chinese sociologist Fei Xiaotong (《乡土中国》,费孝通), and I am marveled at how accurate his observations and explanations are about the essence of the Chinese society, in comparison to the western one. It has answered many lingering questions about my own paternal family as well as the disturbing differences that I have observed and experienced between Chinese and western society, during my 7 years living outside of China. I have just read 10% of the book and have already felt immensely enlightened. I am ashamed that I didn't get to read this book earlier. In fact, I haven't been reading books at all since I was pregnant with the second baby. It's so drastically different between the two societies, in terms of culture, tradition, political structure, social relationship, family structure, etc. I'm wondering if I should make you learn about the Chinese culture as much as possible just because you have a Chinese mom. Unlike many Chinese moms that I know here and in other countries, I'm not as earnest to sign you up for Chinese language classes or to recite Chinese classics such as the Four Books and Five Classics (The Great Learning, The Doctrine of the Mean, The Confucian Analects, and The Works of Mencius, he Book of Songs, The Book of History, The Book of Changes, The book of Rites, and The Spring and Autumn annals). For one thing, I'm never invested in these myself. I have never learned these myself (this sounds very arbitrary in deciding whether you should learn or not); but for the other, I cannot agree with the teachings of Confucius or other Chinese wise men. As Fei Xiaotong wrote in "From the Soil", the fundamentals of Confucius are quite the opposite to the ones of western ideas. This doesn't mean that I think the western ideas are superior, but there's lots of room to reflect in the teachings of the ancient Chinese men. I also wonder whether it's reasonable to make you learn about my culture whereas there are so many other cultures in the world. Chinese people would talk me about continuity and heritage of my culture, not only because it's one of (if not "the") most amazing cultures in the world, but also because China is a rising superpower in the world now. I just cannot bring myself to this conclusion. True that sometimes I feel rootless as a Chinese living in a foreign country with a foreign husband, as a Chinese who's very divided about my own identity and dubious about the Chinese culture. This doesn't mean that I don't like China or its people. I love the land and most of its people. But there are also complex reasons that I choose to live outside. So, I let you take private Japanese lessons instead of sending you to a Chinese preschool. I signed you up for a Spanish coop instead of Chinese classic lessons. I'd choose to travel with you to all parts of the world instead of just going back to China during the summer and winter breaks. One thing that I would keep doing is to speak Chinese to you as much as possible. I am glad that you often remind me that I should only speak Chinese to you. You haven't expressed any interest in learning how to read or write Chinese yet, and it's fine with me. As much as I wish to teach you how to read Chinese, I don't have the energy or method to do that yet. And I prefer to do that when you have the interest. You are not like some other kids who can take whatever the adults throw to you no matter you like it or not. You have your own strong preferences, and I'll respect that. I hope that with the spoken Chinese, if one day you get interested in your mom, or your mom's country, you have somewhere to start, something that can facilitate your entry into a vast and complex unknown world. And if that day never comes, it's fine with me too. I think I won't solicit or expect your complete understanding of me or my culture when you grow up. You have your own culture, your own identity and your own world. I hope that as a mixed person, you would never have to struggle with where you should be, who you are or how to behave. You are just you, a unique and ordinary human being in a multicultural country.
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