Lots of families have asked me about our experience with au pairs, especially those who have never hosted one. So I think I’ll just write it down.
First of all, I would like to say that the experience is extremely personal, and there are lots of factors that can affect one’s au pair experience, so just keep your mind open. We have only hosted three au pairs but before that we had hosted a live-in nanny who flew from China for half a year which went pretty well. All of our au pairs were rematch au pairs, meaning that they had been with another family and things didn’t work out quite well, so they went into rematch and looked for another family, which is totally normal. Both au pairs and host families can initiate the rematch. I actually prefer rematch au pairs or extension au pairs (after successfully completing one year, the au pair could extend for another 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or 12 months) because it saves the host family lots of time and some money. 1st, you don’t need to book an international ticket for the au pair to fly her or him to the US from her or his home country. 2nd, you don’t need to spend time and energy to open bank account, apply for social security number etc for the au pair because s/he will very likely has got one after a period of time in the US. These are the very first things that a host family needs to do with the au pair. 3rd, if the au pair has already got a US driver’s license, that’s even better. It saves tons of time, energy and money! 4th, the au pair has already got some experience about working for a host family, no matter good or bad, so it’s very different from a freshly-landed au pair from abroad. Now I know that there are lots of families who prefer to have au pairs who are looking for their first host family, and there are lots of advantages too. Just choose what you want. Our first au pair is from Brazil, and rematched with us from California. That was at the peak of Covid, and we competed with about 40 families to get her, only for her to leave us in two months to get married. I understand her motives and everything but that was still a very stressful experience. Luckily we were not discouraged by this experience and continued our hosting journey. After a couple of months, we rematched with a Mexican au pair who was working for a family in Seattle. We were specifically looking for an au pair who was already in Seattle because there was no Covid vaccines yet and we didn’t want someone to take the plane from elsewhere to live with us. So we met up with this lady in a park to have a chat, and we had good impressions about each other. I have to mention that even after rounds of emails, phone calls, video chats, and even face-to-face interviews, it can still be very hard for me to imagine how it would be to have a total stranger to live in your house, and I have heard that is probably the most scary part to host an au pair, to have someone that you don’t know living in your house and share basically everything together. I understand that it is a big leap for lots of people. For me it was never too hard, probably because I had been an Airbnb host before and we were happy to share some common spaces with the guests. Also, the live-in nanny from China helped with the comfort and confidence as well. “What if it doesn’t work out?” That’s the question in many people’s mind. Well, if it doesn’t work out, you try again and look for another au pair, or you quit the program. There will be some loss of money and time and energy, but then you have tried. And that’s it. So back to our 2nd au pair, she stayed with us for almost 1 year until she could no longer stay in the US and had to go back to Mexico. Au pairs can only stay in the US for 2 years, and during Covid, there was an extra 6 month extension. As any relationship, there were ups and downs during this experience but in general, it was great, and we were very grateful for her help. She was very good with kids, especially younger ones. She took care of our son from 1 year old to 2 years old and she loved him as her own son. She spoke almost exclusively Spanish to him and his word was “aqua”, the Spanish word for water. She was also a good cook, enthusiastically making Mexican food as much as she could. In this way, she definitely shared her own culture with us and passed her love for Mexican food to the kids. Our kids loved tacos, quesadillas, guacamole and lentil soup for example. She was happy and optimistic in nature. She loved singing and dancing, and making friends, and taught the kids many Spanish songs. She made friends with a local nanny who took care of a boy about our son’s age and they quickly became best friends and had playdates every week. This was essential to our son because as a pandemic baby, he couldn’t socialize normally with other kids and had very few friends of his age. I could go on for pages about the good little things she did to our family. I have just actually written a recommendation letter for her to use for job-hunting in Mexico. But even that, it was not all rosy and it never started very smoothly from the beginning. There are lots of things to get used to each other, for the au pair, the host parents, the kids, etc. I remember those difficult moments too. The key to stick it out is in my opinion open communication and mutual respect and support. I cannot stress that enough. An an pair is not a maid, but a family-member, who helps out with the childcare, shares his or her culture, but is also respected and given his or her own time and space. Coming from China, I know this is very different from an a-yi that many Chinese families use in China, who helps out with almost anything from childcare to housework to cooking. I have learnt a lot from hosting au pairs, about how to communicate with others, how to deal with conflicts, especially when it involves the most precious things in the world for you: your own children. I think I have grown so much as a person. It’s also very enlightening to get feedback from someone outside the family about parenting etc. It is true that with one more person in your house, you have more to think about, and maybe a little bit more inevitable problems to deal with, but the benefits to both the adults and the children far outweighs that I think. So when we got our third au pair I think I was a bit more ready than before. She is from China and rematched with us after a few months with a family in California. She will finish her first year with us soon, and it’s sad to let her go because we are leaving the au pair program. Nothing wrong with the program or her, but our life plans change and will take a break from the program. It’s a lot easier in some way to have a Chinese au pair with whom I can speak my mother language which definitely facilitate the communication. We share the same culture and there’re so many things to tell from a hand gesture, a frown, or a smile. My older kid already speaks fluently Mandarin, but it definitely helped my little one to be fluent in Mandarin as well. Meal wise it’s also easier because we could share most of the food. But there are also downsides to host an au pair from the home country of one or both host parents. The core value of the au pair program is to promote cultural exchange and I think that’s also the most beautiful part of it, to experience another culture while staying in your own home. You kind of lose that to have an au pair from your own country, but I think in most cases, it’s for the kids to keep up the language that the parent speaks, and that’s already enough reason to have an au pair. I just feel sorry that our Chinese au pair could not use English as much as she wants, because Mandarin is the dominate language in our house when it involves childcare. So now that she’s looking for her next host family, I really wish she could find a good, if not better one, and I am wiling to help. I’ve been keeping contact with our 2nd au pair and I hope to do so with our 3rd or future au pair as well. Our kids remember dearly each au pair as well. They will always be regarded as a family member who could visit us any time they want, and hopefully we could also visit their own country when possible.
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